Well, ladies, here we are. We’ve finally come to the end.
Yes, yes, I know it has taken me a while to get here. I’m a bit slow out of the gate these days. But I’m here and ready to wrap up the series with some final thoughts.
First, I hope, in my own Magnolia way, I’ve been able to provide enough information, insight and direction with this series, and that you’ve been able to glean something useful and valuable.
At the very least, I hope I’ve been able to point you to more resources and other sites that can help you as well. I am not, as my standard disclaimer is, medically trained. Nor am I a clinician. Sometimes I wish I were. Especially if I thought it could help you more.
I can only give you the best that I have - my hard won insight and the benefit of my personal experience. So, in that regard, please take what you can from The Magnolia Diaries and leave the rest.
The Conclusion of the Matter
Perimenopause, as we have learned, is no easy row to hoe. Its roller coaster ups and downs, cruel unpredictability and unrelenting torrent of raging hormones leave so many of us feeling we’ve been to hell and back – and we didn’t even get a t-shirt to show for it.
We battle our way through the night sweats, the hot flashes and the mood swings, only to be left with the deadness of our womb. Is it any wonder then, that so many of us get depressed?
And just when you think you have this thing whipped into shaped, perimenopause makes one last demand: A paradigm shift. Your fertility has ceased, the aging process is clearly underway and now you’ve got at least 45 to 50 years under your belt. You are officially middle-aged. But the real kicker? Previous definitions, assumptions and beliefs no longer apply.
Many women, myself included, begin the process of completely re-evaluating their entires lives. Questions that you thought had long been answered are now being revisited - along with a few new ones as well.
A self-image that has evolved in large part out of our fertility is forced to be redefined. Questions like, “Am I still beautiful? ” “Will I still be desirable?” and the proverbial, ”Just who the hell am I anyway? “ are just a few that many women ask.
We transition from mother to grandmother and sometimes from wife to caretaker. Needless to say, coming to grips with so much loss and change can be emotionally overwhelming and daunting.
And it just seems so unfair at times. I mean, isn’t it enough that we’ve lost our fertility, our hair is turning gray and that we hardly recognize our bodies anymore? Now we get to have an existential crisis too ? Say it ain’t so.
Unfortunately, it is. The life that we once knew is over. The years that have brought us to this point have essentially abandoned us at the door and we get to figure it out all over again. But take heart menopause mavens, there is an upside.
After every ending there is a new beginning and this new beginning marks the second half of our lives. I like to call it Volume II. You can too if you would like. After all, with everything you’ve been through to get here, you can call it any damn thing you want as far as I’m concerned. You’ve earned it.
You’ve also earned the distinct advantage of being able to begin this volume with the hard won experience and knowledge acquired in Volume I. So you’re not exactly going into this one blind, you know? And since it’s your story, you get to edit. Heck, you can even rewrite the entire narrative. It’s yours to rewrite.
It’s also your voice and your prose. And the wisdom of your years will give it the perfect rhythm and the perfect meter. You can decide who the characters will be and how they will be written into the story. Or you can decide to not write them in at all.
Think of it as your reward for persevering, enduring and making it through to the other side – and, God help us, for not murdering any immediate family members along the way. ( Can I hear an amen sistahs? ) Even though middle-age and perimenopause ( with its rabble rousing band of hormonal gypsies ) has likely left us feeling a bit worn, a little tattered, and maybe exposing a bit of our shelf wear, we can still be thankful.
We’ve lived long enough to know that you cannot judge a book by its cover. Shiney jackets, glossy images, catchy titles or even a fancy leather binding do not gurantee a good read. Instead, it is in the details of the story and how is it told that brings it to life and captures the imagination. So, in some weird way, we can actually thank perimenopause. Because, without having experienced it, we wouldn’t be here.
And if we weren’t here, we wouldn’t be as seasoned, interesting or tethered to the things in life that gives us the material to craft Volume II . Yes, it’s been tough, and maybe if we had been given a choice, we might have chosen differently.
But we weren’t and we didn’t, and so here we are: Mature and middle-aged with a story to tell. And boy, is it a page turner.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Mags,
I’m a writer first and 53 year-old perimenopausal woman second. So while I identify and find sisterly comfort in all the wealth of truth in this and the earlier posts, more than anything else, I’m blown away by your writing style, your undeniable voice of experience, knowledge, understanding and empathy.
This was such a pleasant read. If only it were all fiction. But alas, it is not. It is all painfully real. I thought I had a handle on this issue, this life reality, until I began reading your series on peri-menopause.
I accept your suggestion. I own my version of this chapter of my life and entitle it Cheryl’s life Volume II. That is what it is after all.
I applaud your confidence to write about a topic that some liberated women still baulk at. I applaud you for your willingness to use your gift of writing to connect with women perusing the internet amid hot flashes and bouts of “what-am-I-doing here-again?” I applaud you for opening your arms and welcoming us in so that we can nod our heads in agreement, gingerly declare, “Hey, me too!” and settle in knowing that we are sistahs together in “this thing.”
Thank you Mags. Thank you. Keep writing. God bless you.
Dearest Ms. Magnolia,
I so agree with the woman who wrote your previous comment. You have taken up the cause and expressed a woman’s journey into her very own Part II with simplicity, honesty, compassion and courage. There is true beauty in your words.
As you know, I dismounted the hormonal roller coaster long ago and couldn’t be happier. Full-fledged menopause is a time of emotional equilibrium, creativity, and a drive to express oneself in new and exciting ways.
So, to your readers out there, hold on, keep the faith, and know that there are wonderful times ahead. I promise: I do speak the truth if you’re willing to look at it that way and make it happen. Besides, whether or not you’re desirable in the same old way, nothing beats being a grandma anyway!
@ Cheryl,
thanks for all the props Cheryl! My hope is that somebody, somewhere will be able to find something useful here, at the very least, encouragement. And I didn’t know you were 53! All this time I was thinking you were in your early 40′s.
@ Eileen,
I’m holding you to your word Eileen! I’m hanging on to the hope that it will absolutely get better. And truth be told, I am feeling scads better than I did just a mere 3 or 4 years ago.
I can’t wait for the big *pause* though. Bring it on.
You’re welcome to think of me as young as you please but I own my age and wear it as a badge of living life to the fullest, even if only in the last ten years. I now look forward to 55. I think it will be way cool to reach there and see what happens.
Thanks for writing these perimenopause posts! I’m requesting “From Belly Flat to Belly Fat” at the library.
Hi Georgetta,
You’re welcome and thanks for stopping by. The Belly Flat book is an excellent resource. Not only are there great recipes, but there is excellent, up to date information on perimenopause.
Stop by again.
For me it was brief episodes with night sweats, and some anxiety..but mostly it was an inability to focus at work==which is extremely frustrating! I also have exhibited some weight gain which does not please me. I spent some time reading Christine Northrup’s book and have tried to begin listening to my body. It helps.
I also have begun looking at the next part of my life and trying to focus on some positive changes. Over the last year I have eaten better and begun working out. I have almost given up alcohol which helps a great deal with the night sweats and insomnia. And I feel good about the working out. It has become important to me. I have also changed my diet. I try and succeed most of the time to eat much healthier…fresh food..lots of fruits and vegtables, Soy milk on my cereal, less red meat..etc. Now, I am a southern girl..so I haven’t gone crazy with the diet.. Fried okra and corn bread at least a couple times in the summer is a rule!
I also have tried to focus on change. If Miss Mini can control some part of my body..I control most of me and I can control my life..not Miss Mini. All in all it feels pretty darn good! Oh yes, I am considering starting graduate school!
Wow Nancy, you have been diligent in your efforts to tame the beast.
I found myself so overwhelmed most of the time that I spent more time crying that much of anything else. Thankfully, that part has long since passed. I still get irritable or edgy but it seems to last for only a day or two and doesn’t seem to have the paralysing power that it used to have. That alone is progress for me.
Now that I am on the other side of this monster, I can say, it is definately like a second adolescence and just as turbulent in so many ways. I would never want to relive those adolescent years and when these are behind me I will be happy to wave them goodbye as well.
Thanks so much for stopping over at Magnolia Diaries.
This morning I sat in my office at work and wept for no apparent reason. Not having any tissues in my office (this will change after today), I sheepishly slipped by my co-workers to the bathroom. I sopped up the tears, sucked it up, and returned to my office, praying that no one notice my blood shot eyes and the tracks through my makeup. As I walked back into the office, I suddenly thought “Hey why the *#% should I hide this.” So I halted in the middle of the suite and announced “Well that was fun. I just had a good cry for no reason.” The conversation that followed made me realize that people understand. Laughter, relief and rest came just from sharing. Later today roaring laughter could be heard by all as I read your perimenopausal symptoms piece. “That’s me, that’s me!” I shared that too. No one laughed quite as loudly as I had, however. Anyway, I have decided to handle it all through humor and share the ride with my co-workers. Here we go….!
Hello Liz,
Boy, do I understand how you feel. My first few years into perimenopause were AWFUL. The mood swings were a living nightmare. I remember breaking down in my doctors office, in a hysterical, uncontrollable, sobbing melt down. She said “one” thing that really helped me as I tried to tell her through my gasping that I felt so out of control……….
She said, “This is not about control. It’s chemical.”
HUH??? It’s not about control you say???? I don’t know why those words resonated with me, but they did. It certainly didn’t make my symptoms any better, but it helped me to realize that I wasn’t nuts, I wasn’t a weak, pathetic woman who couldn’t just “get it together”
My body was off the rails and it was whipping my overweight butt. I ended up taking prozac for about two years, marketed in the form of Sarafem. It really, really helped me. My mood swings would really send me over the edge. It’s really a miracle my marriage survived.
The hot sweats and all the other junk, I seemed to be able to manage. But those awful, down in the deepest, dark gully crying jags aged me a few years and the rages nearly sent me to a psych ward.
Thank God those days are gone and now I’m just an irritable bitch about 2 or 3 days a month now. And I’m fully capable of telling myself to “get a grip” now. Because, I know exactly what is causing it.
We are all different and different work for different people. Find what works for you and do it. Don’t feel guilty if you have to take something for the moodswings, because it really will get better and you won’t need it forever.
But, more than anything, hang in there and keep telling yourself, “it shall pass. it shall pass” Because, it really will.
Thanks for stopping by and leaving such a wonderful comment. You my dear are an excellent writer!
Dear Magnolia,
Thanks for your edifying words. I drank them in and let them water my thirsty soul. I’ve always been a strong capable person and the go-to person for encouragement and a shoulder to cry on. Now I am humbled by the fact that I am in need. Suffering in silence will no longer do. Both my mom and sister had hysterectomies in their early forties and neither of them had the symptoms I am now experiencing, which makes me feel like I am completely nuts! My husband is an absolute doll and has been there for me, but I can’t really expect him to fully understand. (I mean I don’t even fully understand it.) From your writings I feel I have found a kindred spirit at least in the perimenopausal experience. The term “mood swings” doesn’t even come close to expressing the depth of despair I feel at times. It is as if my entire body is being sucked into the center of the earth. Now that’s fatigue!
In this chemically-induced weakness I cling to 2 Cor 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” Like the Shulamite woman in Song of Solomon I come out of the darkness leaning on my Beloved. For He has whispered to my soul “Behold, you are fair, my love.”
Hello again Liz,
I absolutely believe we should cling to God and His word through difficult times. I know, without His unconditional love, I wouldn’t have made it through this far.
I hope though, you won’t be afraid of taking things that will help you with your symptoms.
I went through a terrible mental battle over anti-depressants. I kept telling myself if I would just go to God more, pray more and control my thinking more, the crazy rages and depressive gullies I kept fall in would go away. But, they didn’t.
Then I realize that if I would take an aspiren for a headache and feel okay with that, why couldn’t I take another chemical for other things in my body? That freed me up to do that.
Maybe you don’t have any issues with that at all. I know alot of Christians though, that do. Anyway, I hope you will do everything you can for yourself and remember……….go easy on yourself through those times when you feel you could have been better, said better or acted better.
We’re all doing the best we can.