The Perimenopausal Wife and How to Live With Her

Okay, Mike, I’ve made it back. Sorry it’s taken me so long but it’s been a rather busy day and I knew that when I sat down to write this it would take a while, so I’ve not been in too much of a hurry to get back.

I’ve read through your comment again to refresh my memory and a couple of things stood out to me that if you don’t mind, I would like to point out…….you said that both of you have levied some damage at the relationship. I believe you. It definitely takes two and even though we are in perimenopause, it doesn’t render us irresponsible for our actions. However, you *did* say that there weren’t scars “that couldn’t be ignored”

Since I’m not your wife and you have nothing invested here except words on a blog, perhaps I can suggest this to you and you may be able to hear it as it is intended. When it comes to conflict, women process pain and hurt decidedly different than our male counterparts. Men are definitely of the “forget about it and let’s move on” persuasion. Up to a point, depending on what it is you’re asking us to forget about, this is okay and probably wise advice. HOWEVER………if the offenses, wounds, scars, what have you, have run deep and there hasn’t been sufficient “tending to the wound”, women cannot just move on and forget.

I do not know what it is about our emotional make-up that will not allow us to do this, but I’m telling you as straight forward as I know how……..do not use that attitude across the board. If a woman has been hurt deeply and is wounded, for you to dismiss her or want to “just forget it” is really asking for SERIOUS resentments that if left to fester for years could very well lead to divorce. Just sayin’ dude. okay? Hear me on that one.

Next, you sound to me like you realize what you should and shouldn’t have done in the marriage and that is a good thing. I just need to ask though………are ya’ll fighting over anything? Are there issues that keep coming up over and over and over again? Because if there are? They ain’t going anywhere, Mike. See the paragraph above and figure out what you need to do to get to the bottom of those.

I had a woman leave a comment here recently who said that menopause is a time that women start to rehash old hurts, old pains and unresolved issues. I find that dynamic absolutely fascinating. I’ve seen it in my life. I believe firmly that if there have been issues in the marriage that have lingered for years, unresolved? They are about to rise to the top.

Here’s the conclusion I’ve come to with perimenopause……….it is like a flood light comes on and that every stinkin’ thing that has ever been an issue now becomes major fodder for divorce attorneys. If you guys have issues, that could very well be what’s happening.

How long has it been since your child died? Did she fully grieve and come through that? Are there still lingering pockets of pain and despair? Guilt? Shame? I’m not suggesting any of this is true, I’m just asking.

Are ya’ll seeing a marriage counselor now? If not, maybe it would be a good idea? Again, just asking.

If you want some straight forward, how do I handle a perimenopausal woman, then here’s my best advice:

1. Don’t blame her – she’s not doing it on purpose. her mood swings are not a choice she makes when she gets up one day…….you know…..”hmmm, I think I’ll fall into the depths of despair today and sob uncontrollably for three days. Then, I think I’ll rage and scream at everyone I love at the top of my lungs. Maybe I’ll even throw something at my husband. Yeah. That’s what I’ll do today”

Sounds absurd doesn’t it? And it IS absurd to think that women are deliberately doing it. We’re not.

2. Don’t try to fix her – It’s almost become cliche’……..just listen. Don’t try to fix anything or give advice about what she should or shouldn’t do. Look, even in non-perimenopause times, women hate that.

3. Don’t tell her she’s crazy – that cuts like a knife in case you’re wondering. Women already feel very tenuous when they’re emotions are going all over the place. If you tell her she’s nuts or ask her…”What’s WRONG with you???” You’re just setting her up to feel even worse and the symptoms can get compounded.

4. Don’t leave her alone to cry it out – I realize you said she tells you to get lost or she lets you know if you can come around. So, maybe you can ask….”hey, honey, i want to do the right thing here. What do you need? To be left alone? To talk? To be held? You tell me…….” Then be willing to actually do it, Mike.

5. If she wants to talk, please look her in the eyes. Stop what you’re doing and really pay attention. If you can perfect the art of empathetic listening and offer the occasional….”Wow, honey, that must be really hard for you…..I’m really sorry you’re suffering so much” That kind of tender caring and listening helps women feel loved and cared for. Sappy for you guys? yeah, probably. But, it’s her you’re trying to take care of right?

6. Don’t expect her to be rational and to problem solve with her hormones like you would problem solve – you said if she would just look at you and say I’m in perimenopause, you would feel better about it. But that’s the thing…….sometimes we can, sometimes we can’t. I cannot tell you why we can’t see the forest through the trees with this stuff. We just can’t.

Look, when our spouse or someone we love is going through a tough time it can be hard on the other. A friend of mine shared with me what her husband has been going through with Crohn’s Disease. he’s had surgery after surgery and he’s just not well. He is depressed and stressed and he takes it ALL OUT ON HER. It’s brutal she said. But, if you take a step back…..who is REALLY suffering? Her husband. She doesn’t have Crohn’s Disease. She’s not the one getting cut open and have pieces of her intestines removed and still not getting better. He is.

I think that our husbands have a tendency to take our perimenopause personal. But, it’s really not about you. It’s about what our body is doing and the absolute lack of control that we have over it. Yeah, it’s bad when you get screamed at or shut out or as in my case, cussed out (yeah, I’ve done that to my husband) and I know that is hard. But, if you can disconnect your ego from the situation and realize that SHE is the one who is REALLY suffering.

Would you feel the way you feel right now if she had terminal cancer? you would not. You be buck up and you would ride it out because you would know it was the cancer that was eating her life away from her. Okay, so perimenopause is not cancer, but it’s as much out of her control as cancer would be. it really is.

Finally…….has she said that she thinks it perimenopause? has she been to this blog? maybe you can send her this way. it would be enlightening?

There are some great books on my site that I highly recommend to understand perimenopause.

And one more thing, Mike…..we are not trying to drive you away. We’re really not. We’re going through hell. If you continue to make *yourself* the victim here you will continue to be victimized in your perceptions by her actions.

Look, talk about rambling. I don’t know if I hit on anything that is useful or helpful. So, please feel free to ask more questions or contact me again. I’m glad to listen and offer whatever kind of insight I can.

Magnolia